Saturday, 21 May 2016
Hello, you can call me ayugina. I am going to use this blog to share positive things because I feel like the world today, or cyber world, or world in printed and online media, is lack of positive things.
I am going to write this blog in English because I am hoping to reach more audience from all over the world without any language barrier.
First thing first, I am an INFJ.
I am introvert, idealist, perfectionist, sensitive, reactive, and full of judgement.
And it is hard to live the life being me.
It has been years since I write freely in my previous blog (I have taken it down as my private memento so unfortunately you can not visit it anymore).
The blog was the only place I can be true to myself and express everything without worrying people's judgement.
Because people do judge, (me too)
and it is really suck.
I decide to create a new one to have a fresh start.
It becomes worse in this social media era since people can hide behind their device monitors, be anonymous, and then judge, and bully, without having the responsibility of the horrible things they have said or done.
My life is full of judgement, especially in high school. my friends (Are they really my friends?) judged me a lot, without knowing what my real intention was, how my real life was, or attempting to know me better before concluding anything... and that makes high school is one of the worst moment in my life. That also makes me reluctant to go to reunion, or such events, because... it hurts. Even writing this post hurts my feeling so much.
An introvert, idealist, and perfectionist like me doesn't have a good social life.
I do not talk if I do not have anything to say, and it makes everything difficult for making a friend. I can't chit chat, or ask basic questions, or throw a joke, or pretend to laugh. Meeting a new person is a very difficult and awkward moment for me.
I can't be nice to everybody, especially to those who do wrong things (like cheating, lying, gossiping, and the other bad habits). It makes my circle of friendship so tiny. I can not tolerate those bad behaviors because to me, no matter how hard life is, I must do the right thing, I must do the best of myself.
It is so struggling for me to be good all the time and it hurts me a lot to see people deliberately being not good, and not using their precious life to be a good human being and to be the best of themselves.
Back then when I was in high school, it was the era of twitter. I tweeted most of the time, because I feel more comfortable to write, rather than to speak out loud. I tweeted what I felt, how my day was, and random things that popped out in my mind. My twitter was like my mini blog.
One day I found out that a lot of my friends in high school (again, are they really my friends?) were upset of some of my tweets, because those tweets were cocky, tacky, annoying, and inappropriate.
They talked horrible things about me, behind me.
I can't describe how I reacted when I found out. It was so much hate from a lot of people and I can't barely take in my sensitive and reactive soul.
I never mean to be cocky, or tacky, or annoying. As I mentioned before, I am such a perfectionist and I am so hard on myself, attempting to be good all the time and to be the best of me.
And being judged like that, is like the end of the world, especially when you have bad social life and have no idea to clarify or even guts to approach them and say "Hey, I think I need to talk and make things right"
At the end of high school, I ended up not having many friends and good memories.
I hate myself most of time, for being too ideal and perfectionist, and intolerable, and unfriendable (is that a word?) because in the end I feel so lonely.
Continuing to university, I felt like I need to give a new start.
At the beginning, it worked so well. I became less introvert, I volunteered in many things, I spoke in front of public, I took responsibility and was in charge of several things, people said hi every time we met (which seldomly happen before), but then... I was tired.
I faked all of that and I could not do that anymore.
Some quotes say that "We need to fake it, fake, fake, fake, fake, until we become it."
But it didn't work for me and my life.
Now I am three or four weeks away from my undergraduate thesis review. My four years as an interior architecture student can not be summarized in this post (I definitely will write about that in the next posts), but to me, it makes me accept myself better for being who I am and how I live my life.
There are reasons why Allah creates me like this.
I may not be popular, and may only have a tiny circle of friendship, but the people in the circle are my truly friends.
This world needs me, as an idealist and perfectionist to fix horrible things in it and to make sure that good deeds and good people are still presence.
I love that a lot of my friends (not close friend) come to me and tell me their story, because they see me as a good adviser. We rarely hang out together, we are not that close, but I am so happy that despite of their closer friend, they choose me to share their problems with.
In the end all I need is to accept myself and make the most out of it.
Now, as I am in the beginning of my twenties, I am struggling to be more confident to give good impact to people around me.
I keep learning to improve my social life despite of my introversion because I need to engage with people first before I can give good impact.
I am still figuring out what I want to be in the future after graduation (there will be another blog post about this) since I am so uncertain.
I do have several plans, but I cant say which one is going to work best. Honestly I am afraid none of them work or I can not manage to work it out... (See? I am so hard on myself).
But I recently read a novel that said, "Blank canvas is the best for any artists", and it makes sense to me, so again, I choose to accept the fact that my future is still a blank canvas and being okay with that.
It is okay, ayugina.
It's okay to sit back, relax, and not in rush, or worry too much about your future.
I finally realize that I might be not the only one who are like this...
Maybe somebody else out there share the same problem like me, and need help, need somebody else to tell and share.
Maybe the other somebody already figured out how to accept herself as she is, and celebrate those introvert, idealist, perfectionist, sensitive, reactive, and judge-like traits and manage to have a good life.
This is what this blog is meant to be. You are welcome to share your story or advice in the comments section below,
and I definitely would love to see your support and story.
I think I have to end this post now. Again, you may leave your comment down below (: