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Friday 21 June 2019

Third Year Post-Graduation Notes

I turned 24 y.o this year and this is my third year after graduating uni. Am I old? or still young? How would society see me and how would society expect me becoming?

Or that oh-so-called financial advisor account on instagram would require me to secure?
a hundred million of total assets they might say LOL

But indeed, if anyone want to buy my brand for IDR100.000.000, no, I would not say yes.


Actually when I started this post, I didn't know where this post may lead. Maybe this is simply about what I have been through in life, about adulting as an eternal child (yes I never grow up), and about lessons learned. I didn't make any outline so I am so sorry if this would be like messy and scattered, and ideas jumping all around. Honestly that's how my mind is all the time if you'd like to know.

From what I have been through, including from stories people trusted me to keep, these are deadly things in adulting:

Uncertainty
Failure
Humiliation
Broke
Loneliness (but I can't relate because I like being alone even Siri is more than enough)

When I was younger, I thought it would be great to be an adult. You are free, you got your own money, you don't have to always listen to your parents (sorry mom), you can travel, book things on your own because you got that magical card called KTP (Id card), although many brands/places ask for my KTP first because they think I am underage or simply it is their SOP, who knows.
Adults have more options in fashion department. Adults can get in more rides in amusement park. Adults can eat sweets and no one will hide the sweets on highest cabinet or to brush teeth after.

When I was still in architecture school, I envy those who have graduated. No more crits and assignments, or at least they get paid on what they do. They are all beautiful and wear fancy clothes, not like us who might wear pajamas from dorm to campus. We were controlled by schedules and rules and we didn't like it. Obligation, "If I don't do this, then my score will be ..."

I realize now, the privilege of being in controlled, by our parents, by our lecturers, by society: at least we know what we are required to do, and we know how it will become. It is already systemic, the rules and everything, the step by step. After junior high school you follow this test, and then you go to senior high school. After thesis defense, you need to do revision, and you need to hunt signatures like infinity stones, and you need to pay a lot of cash for graduation ceremony, and then that's it. Freedom.

Freedom gives us a lot of options, but it also gives us blank screen and uncertainty. Some of my students told me they need my help to choose whether they should A or should B. As if there are people in this world (and apparently I am one of those people, according to my students) who can look into the future and tell which way will work for them. For real, for any sake, guys, nobody can tell. We need to figure it out ourselves.

Uncertainty of success or failure or something in between, gives us nightmare.
"I don't know where to go" "I don't know which one should be done first, second, etc"

It sucks when you fail. Well, I do share my failures on instagram, but others don't like their failures hence exposed. Failure shows our flaws and make our enemies smile. We don't put failures on CV.

Our choices are uncertain.
We are so afraid of failing
until we end up doing nothing.

or we end up doing what others do instead of sticking on our own idealism.
Sometimes it only feels right when others do it too... but how difficult it is to believe in ourselves when we are different?

We feel humiliated in family events because, you know, you can explain it better than me.
We feel broke, eventhough actually what we have is enough for life.... but it's the lifestyle and social status we aim high.
We feel lonely. Co-workers just can't replace that high school or campus friendship, they said.

I think I might get lucky because I am such a rebellious soul who tend to have my own way to do things, not afraid of being different. I am type of person who will just do things "because I can" "because why not" "because I want to" and other irresponsible premises. I am not afraid to dream high because it's free, because why not. When people ask, how? I mostly say "I don't know, but I will figure it out"

I didn't know at the beginning, that my brand would secure me financially for almost four years.
I didn't know at all and no one tell me I will.
I didn't know either, that becoming an academician, is not my career path.
When I visited my campus, an OB asked me, "Hey, you used to be a teaching assistant" "Yes Sir, now I am not" "What do you do now?" "Selling scarf" "Oh... (with a sad look LOL)" wkwkwk why you sad though while I am living life at its fullest alhamdulillah.

I didn't know for sure, but apparently I have held 3 art classes independently with my super team got almost 60 students so far. I love teaching so I open my own classes.

I still remembered HANA AISHA's first collection with my awkward photo, resulted in some unfollows of my instagram account by my seniors in campus (still don't know why though, but maybe because it was too cringe they couldn't handle it on their timeline). Turned out some of them now starting hijab printing brand as well, so.. you did unfollow-ed me online, but in real life you eventually follow my path LOL.

I also still remembered how angry I was when a customer in Aceh asked to buy HANA AISHA in form of fabric (raw, not sewn) for creating.... curtain. Oh, and the next order might be for... bed sheets?

I am also still struggling in scholarship.
However failures have taken me from University of Gothenburg, to RMIT Australia, to UCL (8th University Worldwide omg how would I graduate from here?)
Failures also have allowed me to be selected as 1 of the best 24 young creativepreneurs accross Indonesia, to be involved in Creative Business Incubator by Kemenperin.
Failures also have given me opportunity to be curated by Indonesian Fashion Chamber (like IAI for Architecture, IDI for Medicine, HDII for interior design) and rewarded free booth in Jakarta Convention Center, one of the best venue in one of the best event Muslim Fashion Festival Indonesia.

Like, if I got that Swedish scholarship, I would not apply to RMIT Australia.
If I got that Australia scholarship, I would not even think to apply to UCL because I used to think it is out of my league.
If I got LPDP, I would not have chance to really do the business and expand network in Indonesia.

Life is full of surprise. Suddenly LPDP opens 2 batches this year and after juggling around I managed to submit my application for first batch. I still have the chance to study in UCL this year so please pray for me will you?

At this point, I am not afraid of failure anymore. It feels so numb.
I am afraid if it is not right, but at least I become more tawakkal to Allah because indeed, as long as I maintain good relationship with Allah, my life will be okay.

Talking about relationship, I have hard times dealing with people.
I used to be bullied... I don't know, because people see me powerless and tasty to be chewed?
Because they know I am too kind and can't fight back?

This part is copied from my instagram because I like it and I would love you to read it as well.

Someday in this life, you will meet a person, that you will be very kind to, because you are simply a kind person; but after all your kindness and good intention, that person will treat you like trash, and then you will be the one who apologize.

You are simply a kind person, so that you will blame yourself for what have happened.

Remember this: don't.

Because my dear, a happy, contented, and generous person,
will never treat anyone like that. 
If somebody treats you like trash, there is something wrong in that person. Not in you

and also, Someday in this life, you will meet a person who hates you for no reason. 
Well, there might be reasons, but remember this:

A person who loves him/herself with enough self love, will never have space in their heart to hate others.

You might question why that person hates you, as you think you do nothing wrong but living life, shining as bright as you can ever be.

Again, the problem is in that person, not in you

Last two.
1. Don't ever be that person.
2. If you happen to be in an inevitable situation with that type of person, be bold. That person will discourage you. Fight back. You are much better than them. Indeed, they are lower than you as they try to drag you down, aren't they?

-----end

That person could be our boss
also our parents
or someone we love wholeheartedly.

We can never change that person, unless that person wants to change.


To end this long essay (that someone might hate),
I must say it is unnecessary to be afraid of uncertainty and failures, because uncertainty will make us try harder and this is how our hidden potentials are unleashed, while failures will only lead us to a better place.
It is also okay to be humiliated at first.. by our own family, friends, enemies, you name it.
Prove them wrong. Say, "You watch me, kay? you watch me" because I know what I am doing and I will get there. I might not know where I am going now but I will figure it out and it will be awesome. 
Never ever be afraid to be broke because, my dear, Allah watches you and He will give you enough as long as you work hard, pray hard, and help others.

Appreciate those who appreciate you. Eventually, you will know people who will always be there for you no matter what. Keep them close. Haters gonna hate. Keep in mind, if someone hates you, it means you do something extra ordinary till it gives impact on others perception. Show your works to the world, because it will inspire others; don't bother those who envy because indeed the problem is within themselves, not in you.

This notes was written by me, who cry weekly.
We are all struggling in life, so, be nice.

Spread happiness around popping like confetti.

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