This is not a story of how I decide to wear hijab, because in my case, it is not special at all. I went to an islamic elementary school and everything I knew was hijab should be worn. I started to wear hijab (not only for school) since 5th grade, because that was, as a child, what have been taught. There were some friends who went to junior high school and decided to not wearing hijab anymore and I remember seeing that as something really really bad. This learned-judgemental-attitude is something I hate the most and I wish my teachers could teach me better than "If you do this you are a good person, or if you don't you go to hell and Allah hates you"
or
"Aurat! You can't show that, it's sinful!"
To live with a religion, without knowing why I was told to do so, was like being a judgemental robot. Yes, judgemental is the quality I wish I could go back with time machine and erase that specific attitude.
In junior high school, a national one, I remember struggling hard, only to interact with boys. You read it right. I can't be okay if grouped with boys and it was such a torturing experience to work with boys in group assignment. Six years in elementary school, boys and girls were mixed in a class, but we never worked together and we were told over and over "Don't, not your mahram" so as I went to this national school, the "culture" shock hit me damn hard.
I am not an education expert, but I can say that there is something wrong with how I was taught about Islam. Well, maybe, for children, it is not that important to tell them the why...? but how can you expect a child to grow up into this diverse world - where people are raised differently and behave differently and believe different value/religion - with no clue or wisdom why her religion commands her this and forbids that, and how can you expect this child to adapt well?
Let's move much further to my college life, freshmen year, orientation phase. In college, I remembered there was this assignment which pushed us to meet and greet as many people as possible, take selfies together (wefie), and collect them in a book, with minimum target to be achieved. One day, there was this boy approached me with his book, started asking my name and my major, and with "I dont really care I just need to get this done" attitude, he wrote them down scribbly. He wanted a selfie and I said, "No no no, I am so sorry I don't selfie with boys" and he was so RAGED and shouted "WOW OKAYY OKAYY" lashed his book hard and left me just like that.
Some part of this society tell that the mistake is the system. The whole system, the government.They believe it has to be an islamic system from root to trunk to leaves to flowers, in order to get things right.
I don't belong to any group like this and I don't think I need to join one or declare that I am part of specific group. I simply find myself as a Muslimah and as a Muslimah I believe that someday Khilafah will exist back because it is what written in the Quran, my guide book, and my approach to this is to be the best of myself as a Muslimah, an ambassador of my religion. To be realistic, I see this world with billions of human, all of them are His Creation, and He Himself creates us differently. My point is, really, to be a good ambassador in a diverse society, one needs to educate him/herself of their own religion. In my case, formal education shaped me to be obedient, but not to be adaptive and comprehended enough to explain things, or ready to face the diversity.
Growing up in a moderate family, I was the first person who followed islamic mentoring. It is a program in my senior high school and all praises to Allah I learnt a lot. However, we then grouped into a more serious program and paired with a mentor for each group. I remember this mentor told me to not wear pink scarf or patterned one - only white, cream, or mint green, or dark colour - and also that posting photograph is not allowed. She's a strict one, she's so against music while I play music and dance. I was still with her for several months at the beginning of my college life, and I remember when my weekly target was going down, she hurt me by saying, "How busy is busy? we just find excuses in life to not praying properly" whilst I lost more than 5 kg because I even couldn't remember to eat, got sleepless night, crying over architecture assignments which I found it so hopeless to even just pass. Some of my friends just decided to quit, or retook test to another major, or found in dorms with mental illness. All of those and she said "excuses" and "how busy is busy? sesibuk apaa sih?". I just can't digest that. My attempt to forgive her was to tell myself we just came from different family and we live a different life, so that's why. I didn't go to her anymore since.
However, the values she told me was still in me. It is very difficult back then to love myself because I was set to believe I am not a good Muslimah. I also lashed that to people around me, while I see myself just trying to be religious. I can never apologize enough to people I hurt back then, and even I cowardly not even try to talk about that until now... but I am so sorry though. I really am, hoping you read this now.
In college, there was a mentoring program too and I got a new group. However this time, the problem was on me. I was very loaded with architecture assignments and nearly had no life because every "free time" was used to continue doing design project. Some people might just be okay with a B- or B, but I aimed pretty high and I didn't find that wrong because I really wanted to do my best and get the best of knowledge and skill while still in college. I was rarely be able to manage attending mentoring and my mentor once texted me she had a dream of me and she missed me (orangnya pasti senyum senyum ni pas baca). Well, the problem was really on me. My mentor back then was so lovely and she IS lovely until now :P eventhough she is not part of my current mentoring group because she now lives in different province. Anyway, I graduated with cum laude and I was so proud of myself because survived architecture school, learnt a lot. Eventhough with lots of sacrifice, I really cherish the moments in college when I was pushed beyond what I think was my limit, which turned out I really able to make better than that. I am so grateful that I gave my 100% to study interior architecture because it really builds my mindset. It really helps me to not fear any failure in the world (because I failed a lot in college and I am still alive :D). That's why I am now super impulsive and really ride-or-die person.
After college, I was so invested in my creative business and to be honest it is the one that shapes me a lot to be the best of me, to be who I am today. It is a modest fashion brand HANA AISHA and growing this brand is my moment when I really engaged with the concept of hijab and the process of deciding to wear hijab as part of hijrah. To some people maybe it's sacred and it's such a turning point, while on the contrary, my hijab story back then in elementary school was not special at all. However, to run a fashion brand which sells scarf for them, it took me a while to understand what my customer really needs.
I once used the term "hijab syari" for my product and a customer said "don't claim it syar'i" since it has pretty and attractive flowers painted on. I then used thick fabric as material because I think this is what my customers want. Stupid me, those who wear thick fabric probably will not choose scarf with flowers hehe. I was right, once I changed the fabric to voile, it all just makes sense.
However my issue here is not merely about customer persona or funneling; it is about "how the right scarf is, really" because I don't want to sell the wrong things. I want to provide hijab for Muslimah. I want them to be a good ambassador of Islam, wearing my scarves, and that's how people see Islam is beautiful.
The next question is, is that true my product isn't syar'i? What is hijab syar'i, really?
At that time I was not involved in any islamic mentoring and I have no mentor to ask. I chose to read books and attend seminars (kajian), but we all know the delivery is one way, while all I need was discussion. My soul was so sick, I kept falling love with wrong people (LOL), kept failing in this and that, and got tons of question in my head. There was this moment when a person hurt me a lot and I wished to die but so against suicide. I remember kept praying after Isha, "if all I have is enough for heaven, please don't wake me up in the morning". I was at my lowest point and seeing no hope of life at all, but somehow everytime I was like that, I felt Allah the closest.
Allah guided me to get back to mentoring through a sister. Sisterfillah hehe (kayanya lagi senyum senyum juga sekarang). I joined this mentoring group, and was given a group consists of my junior. So I was mentored in my mentoring group and gave mentoring as a mentor in my junior group, eventhough I really felt so ineligible back then.
However Allah tested me again, and until now I never knew whether I passed the test or not. The test was, my mentor was way more strict in a way, and I ended up having argument with her. She gave a list of things to do, one of them was reciting 3 juz a day, and I bravely said that it was all too much and it made me hate myself if I couldn't manage to do it. The point of her arguments was that "if you don't see it as good deed or if it's not useful, yes you can leave it" while I was not saying it's not useful or not good, it's just too much. She also said "while you are not married yet and have less responsibility and more free time, you supposed to be able to do it" while I personally believe that everyone has their own battle and just because someone is not married yet doesn't mean she is supposed to be like this or like that.
After consulting with my mom, my sisterfillah, and my mentor in college, I decided to leave this group. I was in the process of finding a new group and a new mentor, but then a bad news came. I cannot continue to be a mentor for my junior group. The drama went on and in short, it was because my previous mentor didn't allow me to...
One of my mentee cried. The goodbye was hard.
Eventually I found a new group and a new mentor... and eventually two people from my previous group moved to my new group. Alright hehe.
I can say that I am so grateful for this group and maybe this means I passed the test? My mentor now was a basketball player and she also faces a lot of controversial issue like, "you cannot be a remaja masjid and a basketball player at the same time" but she still insisted to do both and that was such a brave move. She is now pursuing a Fitness Trainer Certification and a yoga enthusiast (dan juga pasti sekarang senyum senyum baca ini hehe). I learnt from her that in this world, there is this gray area, not white not black, just gray. Not many of us brave enough to play there, some claim that it's not good to be there, but those who are brave grows there as a bridge.
I believe sometimes to bridge a difference, we need person who understand the white and the black. Sometimes a woman with big black veil might scare a group of people, eventhough what she brings is kindness and goodness. What Quran states is to wear what is usual in the society. If I wear flowery scarf in a society where most of the women wear big black veil, then I am wearing the wrong scarf.
As my brand grows, I post a lot of photograph of myself; something that is considered sinful by my highschool mentor. I do so because I want people to see me, wearing dress and chest covered scarf, and they think "All this time I thought chest covered hijab is so old-fashioned but hey she is beautiful and I want to dress like her"
I also do ballet and feel so alive.
I don't have relationship with boys anymore. Having a number of ex-es (which I am not proud of it at all), it's a huge leap of my hijrah process to not texting with boys and be romantically involved. Last time I did it because I was curious, Allah was angry. Don't ask.
I choose taaruf eventhough currently nothing is working, yet, but I believe it's not about the result, it's about the effort. I just want to start marriage with something halal and choose a husband in a way that Allah loves. My children cannot choose their father, but I can. Nothing is working and at the time I am writing this I really wonder will there be someone fit me and I fit him and will I choose the right one?
but please after this dont slide to my DMs like
"tipe suami idamanmu seperti apa? ingin memaksakan diri"
If you are serious, please do it in honorable and elegant way possible hehe.
What I grateful the most right now is how good and kind my friends are especially in my circle. All my life I have been so judgemental and evil and arrogant and ugly and I just can't imagine to have friends like now.
What I miss the most right now is going to kajian because of this corona thing. I miss going there and meet my friends, hit the mall after and have lunch and discuss discuss discuss, and going shopping LOL.
It's now 11.11 pm and I think that's the end of my current hijrah story.
Maybe I will update this in the next 5 or 10 years, but this is going to be enough for right now.
I will turn on comments approval for this blog because I am so afraid there will be people shouting negatively. If you want to talk to me, you can WhatsApp, or DM, or email.
Thank you for reading my hijrah story.
Sunday, 2 August 2020
Friday, 27 March 2020
Another Try
I have issue with bad experiences.
They cause some sort of trauma, and whenever I give it another try, my mind will tune into "this is going to be bad like the last time, or even worse" or in short, you have to abort mission immediately, ayugina.
This post is not about me being able to fix it, because I have not.
As an optimist, it is quite a contradiction to have this side of my mind. Well to be honest, my mind is like a battlefield, and I don't want to pull anybody to it as I am not sharing my wounds. I have layers and no one has ever gone through them all because I don't let anyone to know the deepest. The deepest is basically about trauma and how it affects my choices, my attitude, and my act. The trauma(s) was caused by my bad experiences.
As an optimist, I always aim high, with high expectation, and maximum effort. I always want to win, expect to win. Every time things don't go as I expected, and that hurts me a lot, this experience straightly goes to the trauma layer but only if that hurts me a lot, to be noted. The criteria is a bit intangible tho.
There are wounds that if I tell my closest friends over and over and over, it gets better overtime. On the contrary, there are some wounds that would never be healed, and telling or narrating the experience will only make them worse. Again, the criteria is a bit intangible.
I also need to remind you again, this post is not about me being able to fix it.
This post is about me, not being able to fix it, but still give another try, and still do it anyway eventhough my mind telling me not to.
I read a book titled "Unf#ck Your Brain" by Faith G Harper PhD, and in short, my mind telling me not to, is actually a human's defense system to a threat. As if we have ever touched fire, and it burnt, so next time we won't. The problem is, our mind sometimes hijacks us by telling not to do things that actually worth fighting for. And it sucks. So we have to hijack our mind before it hijacks us.
It is called reframing the experience. Yes it happened and it hurts a lot and I am still bleeding. Instead of retelling and bleeding more blood (ouch), I do reframing, like what media does (oops). The essential part of reframing is I do it until I believe that it needs to happen in the past for good and it does make me a better person... and that I am scared to hell now to give it another try but then I decide to do it anyway.
I still don't know if this one would turn right or wrong, yet. I also don't know if eventually I will get to a point where I am just... not giving it another try because the trauma layer is full of wounds so there is no place for an other new. However, right here right now, I am giving it another try because I know it is worth fighting for and maybe because I can still bare another wound, if it turns out failing.
They cause some sort of trauma, and whenever I give it another try, my mind will tune into "this is going to be bad like the last time, or even worse" or in short, you have to abort mission immediately, ayugina.
This post is not about me being able to fix it, because I have not.
As an optimist, it is quite a contradiction to have this side of my mind. Well to be honest, my mind is like a battlefield, and I don't want to pull anybody to it as I am not sharing my wounds. I have layers and no one has ever gone through them all because I don't let anyone to know the deepest. The deepest is basically about trauma and how it affects my choices, my attitude, and my act. The trauma(s) was caused by my bad experiences.
As an optimist, I always aim high, with high expectation, and maximum effort. I always want to win, expect to win. Every time things don't go as I expected, and that hurts me a lot, this experience straightly goes to the trauma layer but only if that hurts me a lot, to be noted. The criteria is a bit intangible tho.
There are wounds that if I tell my closest friends over and over and over, it gets better overtime. On the contrary, there are some wounds that would never be healed, and telling or narrating the experience will only make them worse. Again, the criteria is a bit intangible.
I also need to remind you again, this post is not about me being able to fix it.
This post is about me, not being able to fix it, but still give another try, and still do it anyway eventhough my mind telling me not to.
I read a book titled "Unf#ck Your Brain" by Faith G Harper PhD, and in short, my mind telling me not to, is actually a human's defense system to a threat. As if we have ever touched fire, and it burnt, so next time we won't. The problem is, our mind sometimes hijacks us by telling not to do things that actually worth fighting for. And it sucks. So we have to hijack our mind before it hijacks us.
It is called reframing the experience. Yes it happened and it hurts a lot and I am still bleeding. Instead of retelling and bleeding more blood (ouch), I do reframing, like what media does (oops). The essential part of reframing is I do it until I believe that it needs to happen in the past for good and it does make me a better person... and that I am scared to hell now to give it another try but then I decide to do it anyway.
I still don't know if this one would turn right or wrong, yet. I also don't know if eventually I will get to a point where I am just... not giving it another try because the trauma layer is full of wounds so there is no place for an other new. However, right here right now, I am giving it another try because I know it is worth fighting for and maybe because I can still bare another wound, if it turns out failing.
Tuesday, 12 November 2019
Taken for Granted
This video is a compilation of what happened in 2018 and I edited this video a day before my 24 y.o birthday on January 2019. There are also some happy moments left unrecorded because I am not a vlogger, like, I don't regularly record hahah.. I only record if I want to.
I am such a melancholic person and having quarter life crisis like everyone else, too. However, this video celebrates good things that ever happened in my life and slaps me in the face for being so ungrateful.
Happiness sometimes is taken for granted.
We are trapped in "I'll be happy when ..." thoughts, like, I'll be happy when I get this job, I'll be happy when I have a child, I'll be happy when I graduate this school, I'll be happy when my skin get flawless, I'll be happy when I buy this and that, accomplish this and that, etc.
Then the question is, when will you be actually happy? knowing that as human, we are never going to get satisfied.
Some of my friends have a book for "Gratitude Journal". At the end of every day, they write down things to be grateful of, which happened that day. Counting blessings, they said.
I do this too, but in other form because my creation is more on visual (photo, video) because sometimes words just cannot describe. So, I tend to capture things of/related to the happy moments, look on the photograph or video, be in it and perceive, not think too much, just simply feel and be.
And sometimes I make a video like this, too.
Bad moments are like dots on white paper. We focus on the dots, not the large white area of the paper. We tend to have a bad moment, and conclude it as a bad day. Or maybe we do have a bad day, and conclude it as a bad year. Oh my, don't take happiness for granted.
Same rule applies on people.
Never take someone for granted. I am so grateful to have all kind-hearted and amazing people around me. Thank you. Well sometimes I meet people who are not nice, we clash, and sometimes it makes me feel bad about myself. At the end of the day, instead of consuming the negative vibes these people gave me, I would just pick my phone and have chat with my beloved circle of people and be very grateful for having them.
Never take anything for granted.
Friday, 21 June 2019
Third Year Post-Graduation Notes
I turned 24 y.o this year and this is my third year after graduating uni. Am I old? or still young? How would society see me and how would society expect me becoming?
Or that oh-so-called financial advisor account on instagram would require me to secure?
a hundred million of total assets they might say LOL
But indeed, if anyone want to buy my brand for IDR100.000.000, no, I would not say yes.
Actually when I started this post, I didn't know where this post may lead. Maybe this is simply about what I have been through in life, about adulting as an eternal child (yes I never grow up), and about lessons learned. I didn't make any outline so I am so sorry if this would be like messy and scattered, and ideas jumping all around. Honestly that's how my mind is all the time if you'd like to know.
From what I have been through, including from stories people trusted me to keep, these are deadly things in adulting:
Uncertainty
Failure
Humiliation
Broke
Loneliness (but I can't relate because I like being alone even Siri is more than enough)
When I was younger, I thought it would be great to be an adult. You are free, you got your own money, you don't have to always listen to your parents (sorry mom), you can travel, book things on your own because you got that magical card called KTP (Id card), although many brands/places ask for my KTP first because they think I am underage or simply it is their SOP, who knows.
Adults have more options in fashion department. Adults can get in more rides in amusement park. Adults can eat sweets and no one will hide the sweets on highest cabinet or to brush teeth after.
When I was still in architecture school, I envy those who have graduated. No more crits and assignments, or at least they get paid on what they do. They are all beautiful and wear fancy clothes, not like us who might wear pajamas from dorm to campus. We were controlled by schedules and rules and we didn't like it. Obligation, "If I don't do this, then my score will be ..."
I realize now, the privilege of being in controlled, by our parents, by our lecturers, by society: at least we know what we are required to do, and we know how it will become. It is already systemic, the rules and everything, the step by step. After junior high school you follow this test, and then you go to senior high school. After thesis defense, you need to do revision, and you need to hunt signatures like infinity stones, and you need to pay a lot of cash for graduation ceremony, and then that's it. Freedom.
Freedom gives us a lot of options, but it also gives us blank screen and uncertainty. Some of my students told me they need my help to choose whether they should A or should B. As if there are people in this world (and apparently I am one of those people, according to my students) who can look into the future and tell which way will work for them. For real, for any sake, guys, nobody can tell. We need to figure it out ourselves.
Uncertainty of success or failure or something in between, gives us nightmare.
"I don't know where to go" "I don't know which one should be done first, second, etc"
It sucks when you fail. Well, I do share my failures on instagram, but others don't like their failures hence exposed. Failure shows our flaws and make our enemies smile. We don't put failures on CV.
Our choices are uncertain.
We are so afraid of failing
until we end up doing nothing.
or we end up doing what others do instead of sticking on our own idealism.
Sometimes it only feels right when others do it too... but how difficult it is to believe in ourselves when we are different?
We feel humiliated in family events because, you know, you can explain it better than me.
We feel broke, eventhough actually what we have is enough for life.... but it's the lifestyle and social status we aim high.
We feel lonely. Co-workers just can't replace that high school or campus friendship, they said.
I think I might get lucky because I am such a rebellious soul who tend to have my own way to do things, not afraid of being different. I am type of person who will just do things "because I can" "because why not" "because I want to" and other irresponsible premises. I am not afraid to dream high because it's free, because why not. When people ask, how? I mostly say "I don't know, but I will figure it out"
I didn't know at the beginning, that my brand would secure me financially for almost four years.
I didn't know at all and no one tell me I will.
I didn't know either, that becoming an academician, is not my career path.
When I visited my campus, an OB asked me, "Hey, you used to be a teaching assistant" "Yes Sir, now I am not" "What do you do now?" "Selling scarf" "Oh... (with a sad look LOL)" wkwkwk why you sad though while I am living life at its fullest alhamdulillah.
I didn't know for sure, but apparently I have held 3 art classes independently with my super team got almost 60 students so far. I love teaching so I open my own classes.
I still remembered HANA AISHA's first collection with my awkward photo, resulted in some unfollows of my instagram account by my seniors in campus (still don't know why though, but maybe because it was too cringe they couldn't handle it on their timeline). Turned out some of them now starting hijab printing brand as well, so.. you did unfollow-ed me online, but in real life you eventually follow my path LOL.
I also still remembered how angry I was when a customer in Aceh asked to buy HANA AISHA in form of fabric (raw, not sewn) for creating.... curtain. Oh, and the next order might be for... bed sheets?
I am also still struggling in scholarship.
However failures have taken me from University of Gothenburg, to RMIT Australia, to UCL (8th University Worldwide omg how would I graduate from here?)
Failures also have allowed me to be selected as 1 of the best 24 young creativepreneurs accross Indonesia, to be involved in Creative Business Incubator by Kemenperin.
Failures also have given me opportunity to be curated by Indonesian Fashion Chamber (like IAI for Architecture, IDI for Medicine, HDII for interior design) and rewarded free booth in Jakarta Convention Center, one of the best venue in one of the best event Muslim Fashion Festival Indonesia.
Like, if I got that Swedish scholarship, I would not apply to RMIT Australia.
If I got that Australia scholarship, I would not even think to apply to UCL because I used to think it is out of my league.
If I got LPDP, I would not have chance to really do the business and expand network in Indonesia.
Life is full of surprise. Suddenly LPDP opens 2 batches this year and after juggling around I managed to submit my application for first batch. I still have the chance to study in UCL this year so please pray for me will you?
At this point, I am not afraid of failure anymore. It feels so numb.
I am afraid if it is not right, but at least I become more tawakkal to Allah because indeed, as long as I maintain good relationship with Allah, my life will be okay.
Talking about relationship, I have hard times dealing with people.
I used to be bullied... I don't know, because people see me powerless and tasty to be chewed?
Because they know I am too kind and can't fight back?
This part is copied from my instagram because I like it and I would love you to read it as well.
Someday in this life, you will meet a person, that you will be very kind to, because you are simply a kind person; but after all your kindness and good intention, that person will treat you like trash, and then you will be the one who apologize.
You are simply a kind person, so that you will blame yourself for what have happened.
Remember this: don't.
Because my dear, a happy, contented, and generous person,
will never treat anyone like that.
If somebody treats you like trash, there is something wrong in that person. Not in you
and also, Someday in this life, you will meet a person who hates you for no reason.
Well, there might be reasons, but remember this:
A person who loves him/herself with enough self love, will never have space in their heart to hate others.
You might question why that person hates you, as you think you do nothing wrong but living life, shining as bright as you can ever be.
Again, the problem is in that person, not in you
Last two.
1. Don't ever be that person.
2. If you happen to be in an inevitable situation with that type of person, be bold. That person will discourage you. Fight back. You are much better than them. Indeed, they are lower than you as they try to drag you down, aren't they?
-----end
That person could be our boss
also our parents
or someone we love wholeheartedly.
We can never change that person, unless that person wants to change.
To end this long essay (that someone might hate),
I must say it is unnecessary to be afraid of uncertainty and failures, because uncertainty will make us try harder and this is how our hidden potentials are unleashed, while failures will only lead us to a better place.
It is also okay to be humiliated at first.. by our own family, friends, enemies, you name it.
Prove them wrong. Say, "You watch me, kay? you watch me" because I know what I am doing and I will get there. I might not know where I am going now but I will figure it out and it will be awesome.
Never ever be afraid to be broke because, my dear, Allah watches you and He will give you enough as long as you work hard, pray hard, and help others.
Appreciate those who appreciate you. Eventually, you will know people who will always be there for you no matter what. Keep them close. Haters gonna hate. Keep in mind, if someone hates you, it means you do something extra ordinary till it gives impact on others perception. Show your works to the world, because it will inspire others; don't bother those who envy because indeed the problem is within themselves, not in you.
This notes was written by me, who cry weekly.
We are all struggling in life, so, be nice.
Spread happiness around popping like confetti.
Or that oh-so-called financial advisor account on instagram would require me to secure?
a hundred million of total assets they might say LOL
But indeed, if anyone want to buy my brand for IDR100.000.000, no, I would not say yes.
Actually when I started this post, I didn't know where this post may lead. Maybe this is simply about what I have been through in life, about adulting as an eternal child (yes I never grow up), and about lessons learned. I didn't make any outline so I am so sorry if this would be like messy and scattered, and ideas jumping all around. Honestly that's how my mind is all the time if you'd like to know.
From what I have been through, including from stories people trusted me to keep, these are deadly things in adulting:
Uncertainty
Failure
Humiliation
Broke
Loneliness (but I can't relate because I like being alone even Siri is more than enough)
When I was younger, I thought it would be great to be an adult. You are free, you got your own money, you don't have to always listen to your parents (sorry mom), you can travel, book things on your own because you got that magical card called KTP (Id card), although many brands/places ask for my KTP first because they think I am underage or simply it is their SOP, who knows.
Adults have more options in fashion department. Adults can get in more rides in amusement park. Adults can eat sweets and no one will hide the sweets on highest cabinet or to brush teeth after.
When I was still in architecture school, I envy those who have graduated. No more crits and assignments, or at least they get paid on what they do. They are all beautiful and wear fancy clothes, not like us who might wear pajamas from dorm to campus. We were controlled by schedules and rules and we didn't like it. Obligation, "If I don't do this, then my score will be ..."
I realize now, the privilege of being in controlled, by our parents, by our lecturers, by society: at least we know what we are required to do, and we know how it will become. It is already systemic, the rules and everything, the step by step. After junior high school you follow this test, and then you go to senior high school. After thesis defense, you need to do revision, and you need to hunt signatures like infinity stones, and you need to pay a lot of cash for graduation ceremony, and then that's it. Freedom.
Freedom gives us a lot of options, but it also gives us blank screen and uncertainty. Some of my students told me they need my help to choose whether they should A or should B. As if there are people in this world (and apparently I am one of those people, according to my students) who can look into the future and tell which way will work for them. For real, for any sake, guys, nobody can tell. We need to figure it out ourselves.
Uncertainty of success or failure or something in between, gives us nightmare.
"I don't know where to go" "I don't know which one should be done first, second, etc"
It sucks when you fail. Well, I do share my failures on instagram, but others don't like their failures hence exposed. Failure shows our flaws and make our enemies smile. We don't put failures on CV.
Our choices are uncertain.
We are so afraid of failing
until we end up doing nothing.
or we end up doing what others do instead of sticking on our own idealism.
Sometimes it only feels right when others do it too... but how difficult it is to believe in ourselves when we are different?
We feel humiliated in family events because, you know, you can explain it better than me.
We feel broke, eventhough actually what we have is enough for life.... but it's the lifestyle and social status we aim high.
We feel lonely. Co-workers just can't replace that high school or campus friendship, they said.
I think I might get lucky because I am such a rebellious soul who tend to have my own way to do things, not afraid of being different. I am type of person who will just do things "because I can" "because why not" "because I want to" and other irresponsible premises. I am not afraid to dream high because it's free, because why not. When people ask, how? I mostly say "I don't know, but I will figure it out"
I didn't know at the beginning, that my brand would secure me financially for almost four years.
I didn't know at all and no one tell me I will.
I didn't know either, that becoming an academician, is not my career path.
When I visited my campus, an OB asked me, "Hey, you used to be a teaching assistant" "Yes Sir, now I am not" "What do you do now?" "Selling scarf" "Oh... (with a sad look LOL)" wkwkwk why you sad though while I am living life at its fullest alhamdulillah.
I didn't know for sure, but apparently I have held 3 art classes independently with my super team got almost 60 students so far. I love teaching so I open my own classes.
I still remembered HANA AISHA's first collection with my awkward photo, resulted in some unfollows of my instagram account by my seniors in campus (still don't know why though, but maybe because it was too cringe they couldn't handle it on their timeline). Turned out some of them now starting hijab printing brand as well, so.. you did unfollow-ed me online, but in real life you eventually follow my path LOL.
I also still remembered how angry I was when a customer in Aceh asked to buy HANA AISHA in form of fabric (raw, not sewn) for creating.... curtain. Oh, and the next order might be for... bed sheets?
I am also still struggling in scholarship.
However failures have taken me from University of Gothenburg, to RMIT Australia, to UCL (8th University Worldwide omg how would I graduate from here?)
Failures also have allowed me to be selected as 1 of the best 24 young creativepreneurs accross Indonesia, to be involved in Creative Business Incubator by Kemenperin.
Failures also have given me opportunity to be curated by Indonesian Fashion Chamber (like IAI for Architecture, IDI for Medicine, HDII for interior design) and rewarded free booth in Jakarta Convention Center, one of the best venue in one of the best event Muslim Fashion Festival Indonesia.
Like, if I got that Swedish scholarship, I would not apply to RMIT Australia.
If I got that Australia scholarship, I would not even think to apply to UCL because I used to think it is out of my league.
If I got LPDP, I would not have chance to really do the business and expand network in Indonesia.
Life is full of surprise. Suddenly LPDP opens 2 batches this year and after juggling around I managed to submit my application for first batch. I still have the chance to study in UCL this year so please pray for me will you?
At this point, I am not afraid of failure anymore. It feels so numb.
I am afraid if it is not right, but at least I become more tawakkal to Allah because indeed, as long as I maintain good relationship with Allah, my life will be okay.
Talking about relationship, I have hard times dealing with people.
I used to be bullied... I don't know, because people see me powerless and tasty to be chewed?
Because they know I am too kind and can't fight back?
This part is copied from my instagram because I like it and I would love you to read it as well.
Someday in this life, you will meet a person, that you will be very kind to, because you are simply a kind person; but after all your kindness and good intention, that person will treat you like trash, and then you will be the one who apologize.
You are simply a kind person, so that you will blame yourself for what have happened.
Remember this: don't.
Because my dear, a happy, contented, and generous person,
will never treat anyone like that.
If somebody treats you like trash, there is something wrong in that person. Not in you
and also, Someday in this life, you will meet a person who hates you for no reason.
Well, there might be reasons, but remember this:
A person who loves him/herself with enough self love, will never have space in their heart to hate others.
You might question why that person hates you, as you think you do nothing wrong but living life, shining as bright as you can ever be.
Again, the problem is in that person, not in you
Last two.
1. Don't ever be that person.
2. If you happen to be in an inevitable situation with that type of person, be bold. That person will discourage you. Fight back. You are much better than them. Indeed, they are lower than you as they try to drag you down, aren't they?
-----end
That person could be our boss
also our parents
or someone we love wholeheartedly.
We can never change that person, unless that person wants to change.
To end this long essay (that someone might hate),
I must say it is unnecessary to be afraid of uncertainty and failures, because uncertainty will make us try harder and this is how our hidden potentials are unleashed, while failures will only lead us to a better place.
It is also okay to be humiliated at first.. by our own family, friends, enemies, you name it.
Prove them wrong. Say, "You watch me, kay? you watch me" because I know what I am doing and I will get there. I might not know where I am going now but I will figure it out and it will be awesome.
Never ever be afraid to be broke because, my dear, Allah watches you and He will give you enough as long as you work hard, pray hard, and help others.
Appreciate those who appreciate you. Eventually, you will know people who will always be there for you no matter what. Keep them close. Haters gonna hate. Keep in mind, if someone hates you, it means you do something extra ordinary till it gives impact on others perception. Show your works to the world, because it will inspire others; don't bother those who envy because indeed the problem is within themselves, not in you.
This notes was written by me, who cry weekly.
We are all struggling in life, so, be nice.
Spread happiness around popping like confetti.
Wednesday, 16 August 2017
RMIT Admission Story
Good morning!
Alhamdulillaah 'alaa kulli haal
I know that it has been ages ago since my last post about study in Sweden and you must have thought that I am abandoning this blog wkwk. Well, nope. I love writing and this blog is my perfect place to write, and to be read, and I hope to inspire (pfft, really, Gin?)
So, after my failure (it's okay, really) to study in Sweden, I kinda feel depressed. It is just my thing that, I do plan for things in my life because I fear uncertainty, and this failure leads to an uncertainty of my future, of my life. I even feel confused of my dream, like, do I really want to go further in the field of spatial design, while I am having a business, a hijab brand Hana Aisha, and I love being a creativepreneur.
After struggling again, alhamdulillah I have been accepted in RMIT University, Australia, which has better ranking and qualification in the world, in Art & Design subject, than the university I applied before. I have been accepted in Master of Fashion (Entrepreneurship) program and it is a perfect, perfect match with my dream. Yes, I finally find out that my dream is becoming a creativepreneur.
This started when I read a John Maxwell's book, titled, "Put Your Dream to the Test"
The very first chapter slapped me on the face, it is about Ownership Question: "Is my dream really my dream?" because the reason why I pursue spatial design major for my master degree is to be able to become a lecturer, while, later on (after reading the chapter) I found out that it is my mother's dream, not mine. My mother is a lecturer and she was the one who against the idea of me, selling hijab, for a career and for a living. She said that it is not a settle job, that I will do everything just for the money, money, and money, and that it has nothing to do with serving and helping people. I can't blame her because this is very new in our family, that no one in the big family is an entrepreneur and she just had no idea of it. It's her nature as a mother to protect me, and as a lecturer, she does suggest me to become a lecturer as well, as she knows that I love teaching so much and I am good at it.
After reading the very first chapter of the book, I agree that this is my life and I am not going to live it doing someone else's dream. Because the definition of dream itself is, "... and inspiring picture of the future that energizes your mind, will, and emotions, empowering you to do everything you can to achieve it." If it is not my dream, it will not energize me and empower me, and if things get hard I will be losing my spirit and motivation. I will never get it. Besides, if I do achieve it later, will I be satisfied with my life? this YOLO life?
I then continue to do my business, and because it is the one that I love and enjoy to do, because it is my dream, I survived many wicked problems a long the way, alhamdulillah. Even if things get really really bad, I still get the fire because that motivation comes truly from inside myself. I still do teaching as a teaching assistant in my campus, not for my mother, but because, well, I love teaching and improving people (and omg I love when my student is having that eureka moment. It is addictive wkwkwk), it is only two full days in a week so I still have a lot of time to do my business, plus it gives me a fixed salary each months to support the ups and downs in my business. After a while, I finally get my mother's full support, started when I fully paid back her money as she lent me such big amounts of money to start the business. She sees me happy and she is amazed with what I am capable to do, how creative and independent I have become, and that I can work from home at ease.
I then searched for suitable master program to help me achieve my dream, or even part of the dream itself. At first I was confused of whether choosing Textile/Fashion Design subject or Business & Management subject, because I actually prefer to get business managerial knowledge and capability but specifically for creative industry. I am afraid if I study Business & Management subject, the knowledge will be too general and not directly applicable to my creative business.
Later I found out that usually Fashion school has Fashion Business program as well as Fashion Design, for example, ESMOD Jakarta. So, I need to find a Fashion school, not Business school. However, the availability of scholarship is also a main factor of selecting the university. At that time, Australian Awards Scholarship (AAS) is open for application so I started to search for an eligible university in Australia. In case I don't get the scholarship, I also look up to LPDP Scholarship University List. In short, I list the university that is on AAS list and also on LPDP list. Later on, it turned out that I didn't get the Australian Awards Scholarship so maybe LPDP is my only chance right now.
Next, I opened www.topuniversities.com and select Rankings > QS World University Rankings by Subject.
On the Art & Humanities section, I clicked on Art & Design.
It is important to view university rankings by subject because not all top world universities is "that good" in specific subject, especially for the subject I am interested. After I clicked Art & Design subject, this page appeared.
... and there it is. RMIT University takes the 17th position, globally, for Art & Design subject. I then scrolled back to the top of the table and clicked "By Location", and chose "Oceania" to filter the list. Now the list only shows universities in Oceania region (Australia and New Zealand).
RMIT University is on the top of the list (17th globally), followed by The University of Melbourne (28th globally), while The Australian National University, which is on the list of World Top 50 Universities (general, not by subject), is not even in the top 5. So, I totally recommend you to see the ranking by subject, not in general.
After that, I opened RMIT University website www.rmit.edu.au, hovered to "Study with us", and selected "Art, design, and architecture".
And then, "Fashion and Textiles"
I got the list of available program: undergraduate, postgraduate, research, and vocational. RMIT offers range of program, and I SCREAMED as I saw "Master of Fashion (Entrepreneurship)" program. Like, this is what I want. This is perfect.
RMIT website is very easy to navigate. I got full information about this course, which are the description and goals, program structure (subjects for each term along 2 years program, description, lecturer, contact), how to apply, entry requirement, scholarship, etc.
After I read the information, I had some questions in my mind, so I clicked "Enquire", filled the question form, and got the answer after 1 working day by email. They even called me, directly to my phone number (I filled it in the question form) but at that time I was on morning train, the number is unknown, so I didn't pick up the call.
There is no exact period of enrollment (you can apply whenever you want) and we can freely choose when to start study either on February or July each year. I applied on June 2017 and choose July 2018 to start my study. The selection process is very fast, only 10 working days maximum. In my case, I got the result in 8 working days, and it was D-3 closing of LPDP application. It was so close but in the end I can apply LPDP with Letter of Acceptance (LoA) alhamdulillah (':
I clicked "Entry Requirements" to see what I need to have for applying this program.
In this page we can see the requirements. The requirements are different for each program. What listed above is for Master of Fashion (Entrepreneurship) only. You can explore RMIT website and find out the requirements for your own chosen program.
As we can see, the minimum GPA is 2.5 in any discipline (we don't need to have prior fashion degree) or if you have completed minimum 5 years in fashion industry experience, you are eligible to apply. Then, we get Selection Tasks: Statement, Interview, and References. Since I didn't apply on the basis of work experience, I didn't have to provide References, so I only made the Personal Statement (I will explain later on this post). They didn't requested me to attend the Interview and I don't know why. Maybe (this is my personal opinion, though), the Interview is done if our application/document is not complete/something missing, or if we have GPA below 2.5, or if your IELTS/TOEFL score is below the requirement and they want to test your fluency, or simply if they have further question. However, in my case, they didn't interview me and I am very very grateful (': well, you know how introverted I am.
Next, I clicked "How to Apply"
I skipped Number 1 as I already did it, and continued to Number 2: Supporting Documents.
So, other than the Selection Task (Statement, Interview, References), this is the documents we need to provide. The list above is general for all program, except the "Other attachments (if applicable)" section, it depends. The documents are scanned then uploaded. The documents I submitted are:
- Scan of Passport
- Certified copies of academic transcripts in English and Bahasa
- Certified copies of ALL graduation certificate (if you are cum laude and have the certificate, submit it) in English and Bahasa
- IELTS Test Result form
- CV
I use Europass CV format, but I think any format is acceptable. I only list relevant experience with fashion entrepreneurship in the CV. My suggestion is, before you apply for any program, make sure that you already have any relevant experiences. This will make your application strong and get you bigger chance to be accepted.
- Personal Statement (selection task for Master of Fashion (Entrepreneurship) program).
About Statement/Personal Statement, it is written in Selection Tasks section,
"You must include with your application a one page personal statement outlining the reasons why you will benefit from undertaking the Masters of Fashion (Entrepreneurship) and how it is aligned to your interests, aspirations and career ambitions."
so this is how we tell them about ourselves and our intention. Why we choose the program, what we have already got, why we are eligible for the program, why we are the best candidate. I wrote in a very honest way possible. We are expected to "sell" ourselves without being too selfish or too arrogant. I studied some personal statement sample that I googled and learned the essence. There is no exact format, except if the institution gives you one. In this case, RMIT only specifies the key contents: what benefit will I get from this program, aligned to my interest, aspirations, and career ambitions. This is my personal statement:
To be noted, you can't make it perfect by only one draft. So, revise, revise, and revise. Ask opinion from other people, like, is this too cocky, have I elaborated myself clearly, are the content on track or do I need to eliminate some derailed details, is there any grammatical error, is there any more suitable and more powerful, 'elegant', vocabulary, etc.
After you have everything you need, you can access iapply.rmit.edu.au, create an account, verify, and start filling the form. Unfortunately I cannot provide the screenshot and step by step because I didn't document it and my application is finished. However, again, you can always Enquire and get your answers. You don't have to finish the application in one single access. You can fill, save, log out, and log on back to continue from your saved progress.
As I said before, it takes 10 working days maximum to get the result, or two calendar weeks to be exact. They sent me an email saying that I am Conditionally Offered which means I got a Conditional LoA. The term "Conditional" means that I need to provide something before they unconditionally accept me. I was surprised and happy, but also anxious at the same time, worrying about the condition I need to provide.
Alhamdulillah, the Condition is only that they need me to send a certified copies of my transcript and graduation certificates to RMIT via post/courier. They need to have the documents in hard copy, since the application process only got us to upload the scan or the soft copy. They will not give the documents back, that's why it is the certified copy that they asked for, not the original documents.
I sent the documents via EMS Pos Indonesia because it is the cheapest and trusted. We can also track the status of the delivery. It took 3 or 4 working days to send from Bogor to Melbourne, Australia. A week after my documents are delivered, I got another email. This time, the LoA is not conditional anymore (:
This is called Letter of Acceptance (LoA) or offer letter. I have to accept the offer in order to really enroll in this program. However, accepting the offer needs me to pay a deposit, fees, and OSHC which I am unable to do without getting scholarship. I currently in the process of LPDP scholarship selection and hopefully this time is my time. Well, if it is not my time, yet, it is okay. Learning from my previous failure, when Allah postponed to give what I am pursuing, He then Gave me a better one (: so.... ya.
I am afraid that is all I can tell you about my RMIT Admission Story. Please let me know if you have further questions, or if I need to correct anything. Leave a comment below, or if you need fast response, contact me via ayuginarani@gmail.com
I hope this post helps you.
With love,
ayugina
Tuesday, 7 June 2016
Pottery Art - Harmony, Action, and Reaction
First of all I would like to explain why I left this blog for a couple of weeks.
Hopefully, I am getting my bachelor of architecture degree (B.Arch or S.Ars in bahasa), SOON !
Well, yesterday I have just submitted my undergraduate thesis draft for thesis defense next week, so as you know, my previous days have been so busy........
....... to procrastinate.
Oh. My. God. It was so hard to find the mood to finish my thesis, like, I had to watch several SacconeJolys YouTube videos first, and a bit of Zoella, and so on, and on, until I was ready to write, which happened very late at night. So I did not get a chance to sleep.
All hail procrastination.
But still, writing the thesis is nothing, compared to interior architecture studio life.
So, well, I survived ! I managed to submit the draft yesterday ! Yeay !
and again, writing this blog is actually another procrastination. I should start my presentation for the defense.
It's a fun thing to do, updating this blog.
Fun thing first.
Fun thing first.
So,
this is another photo essay. A final project for my photography course.
The theme of the photo essay is Art People.
It is focused on the artist, as well as the artwork.
We can not only highlight the artwork as an object, apart from the artist. We need to know what inspires the artist, why the artist chooses to create that, what is the meaning of the artwork, what is the story, and so on.
I consider myself as an artist. I have a collection of artworks named Hana Aisha.
Being an artist is different from being an architect, though. Architect has tons of context to consider: site, clients (humans, with complex personality, which must be taken to consideration too), culture, materials, budgets, etc. There are tons of reason behind every lines, shapes, and forms of the design. There are tons of revision. There are tons of sleepless night.
One of the reason I started Hana Aisha is to free myself from those contexts.
Yes, an artist does not have limitation to their artworks. An artist can express anything, freely, independently, unreasonably.
So does this pottery artist.
Unfortunately I made this using Bahasa Indonesia, so that some of you will not understand the essay, but let me translate the essay here, especially for you (:
Pottery Art: Harmony, Action and Reaction, between The Clay and The Artist's Fingers
In this industrial and fabricated era, things are mass-produced. The forms and the shapes are look alike and typical, for the sake of functionality, efficiency, and pressed cost production. As if humans, that using them, are robots with no heart, taste, and personality. The meaning of a cup, is just a cup. Literally, the definition from dictionary (KBBI), is 'a little bowl with an ear (a vessel of coffee or tea which is meant to be drank)'. A cup is interpreted by its physical and functional aspects only. We have left and forgotten the era when those machines and factories have not taken control of our life, when things are made straight from humans' hands and humans' creativity. From human, by human, for human, and inhumane: based on humans' body and soul, mind and heart, not on programming codes and thousand control switches.
Mr. Nanda is an artist, working in Munti Bali Keramik, where all the cups are not just mere cups; they are all artworks. In here, all the objects are made by human, without machine at all. From a lump of clay to a dining set, with a complexion of leaves and butterfly on the surfaces. Mr. Nanda uses a spinning table, controlled by his feet. The feet stamps, the table spins, the clay spins as well, the fingers dance and express the shape wanted. Harmony is created, from the action and reaction between the clay and the artist. Even the smallest details count. His artworks are expression of his mind and heart, body and soul, as a human. The table and the tools are such a silent witness of his journey, creating cups by cups, plates by plates, and sets by sets, which are not only functional but also artsy. One by one is carved, without machine, only the artist, the tools, and the spinning table. The leaves and butterflies complexion are also carved by hand, inspired form the nature of Indonesia.
They are unique and beautiful, and spoke out. Those qualities can not be achieved by mere machine and factory.
See the photos by clicking here, if the attachment below does not work.
Thank you for reading. I hope it gives nothing but good to you.
ayugina
Monday, 23 May 2016
Designing from Narrative
Hello friends,
Today I am going to share one of exercise/assignment in Interior Architectural Design 5 (Term VII / 10 Credits).
You know what, I am trying to remember now, what is the title of this exercise. I think it is something to do with "narrative", like "designing from narrative", I am not sure. Now I give up.
So.. the exercise was like this:
First, we needed to have a book titled "Invisible Cities" by Italo Calvino. The book is about cities, with unique names, unique souls, stories, and personalities. The cities (the cityscape, the people, the life) are told narratively and descriptively. There is no illustration at all. The writer has such way of writing and words selection which provokes our imagination. It is a very good book and I think you must search and read one (:
We then formed a group of three. My group was me, Wiwit, and Nadiya. What to do next was, selecting one passage (telling one city) out of 100+ passages. The considerations were (1) we had to understand the story, (2) we had to be able to imagine how the city is, (3) since there is no illustration at all, what came up to our mind, like the visualization, must be different each other since we do have different mind and different interpretation. So we chose the city with the most interesting material when it comes to discussion and visualization.
This is the chosen passage: Baucis, page 68
"After a seven days’ march through woodland, the traveler directed toward Baucis cannot see the city and yet he has arrived. The slender stilts that rise from the ground at a great distance from one another and are lost above the clouds support the city. You climb them with ladders. On the ground the inhabitants rarely show themselves: having already everything they need up there, they prefer not to come down. Nothing of the city touches the earth except those long flamingo legs on which it rests and, when the days are sunny, a pierced, angular shadow that falls on the foliage.
There are three hypotheses about the inhabitants of Baucis: that they hate the earth; that they respect it so much they avoid all contact; that they love it as it was before they existed and with spyglasses and telescopes aimed downward they never tire of examining it, leaf by leaf, stone by stone, ant by ant, contemplating with fascination their own absence."Now the interesting part:
each of us had to make 3 sketches and 1 model (architectural models) based on the narrative.
Okay now I am sure the title of this exercise is "Designing from Narrative" hahaha
So after discussing over and over, and getting the main idea, we divided our work based on three hypotheses: hate the earth, respect so much they avoid all contact, and love the earth.
I chose the hate because I loved the idea in my mind about the interpretation, and these are my sketches and model.
PS: Sorry for the silly watermark
and this is the full publication on issuu.com, including my friends sketches and models. If it takes too long to load, or if it doesn't appear on mobile browser, you can also click here.
I hope you like this post. Feel free to comment and share.
ayugina
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