This is not a story of how I decide to wear hijab, because in my case, it is not special at all. I went to an islamic elementary school and everything I knew was hijab should be worn. I started to wear hijab (not only for school) since 5th grade, because that was, as a child, what have been taught. There were some friends who went to junior high school and decided to not wearing hijab anymore and I remember seeing that as something really really bad. This learned-judgemental-attitude is something I hate the most and I wish my teachers could teach me better than "If you do this you are a good person, or if you don't you go to hell and Allah hates you"
or
"Aurat! You can't show that, it's sinful!"
To live with a religion, without knowing why I was told to do so, was like being a judgemental robot. Yes, judgemental is the quality I wish I could go back with time machine and erase that specific attitude.
In junior high school, a national one, I remember struggling hard, only to interact with boys. You read it right. I can't be okay if grouped with boys and it was such a torturing experience to work with boys in group assignment. Six years in elementary school, boys and girls were mixed in a class, but we never worked together and we were told over and over "Don't, not your mahram" so as I went to this national school, the "culture" shock hit me damn hard.
I am not an education expert, but I can say that there is something wrong with how I was taught about Islam. Well, maybe, for children, it is not that important to tell them the why...? but how can you expect a child to grow up into this diverse world - where people are raised differently and behave differently and believe different value/religion - with no clue or wisdom why her religion commands her this and forbids that, and how can you expect this child to adapt well?
Let's move much further to my college life, freshmen year, orientation phase. In college, I remembered there was this assignment which pushed us to meet and greet as many people as possible, take selfies together (wefie), and collect them in a book, with minimum target to be achieved. One day, there was this boy approached me with his book, started asking my name and my major, and with "I dont really care I just need to get this done" attitude, he wrote them down scribbly. He wanted a selfie and I said, "No no no, I am so sorry I don't selfie with boys" and he was so RAGED and shouted "WOW OKAYY OKAYY" lashed his book hard and left me just like that.
Some part of this society tell that the mistake is the system. The whole system, the government.They believe it has to be an islamic system from root to trunk to leaves to flowers, in order to get things right.
I don't belong to any group like this and I don't think I need to join one or declare that I am part of specific group. I simply find myself as a Muslimah and as a Muslimah I believe that someday Khilafah will exist back because it is what written in the Quran, my guide book, and my approach to this is to be the best of myself as a Muslimah, an ambassador of my religion. To be realistic, I see this world with billions of human, all of them are His Creation, and He Himself creates us differently. My point is, really, to be a good ambassador in a diverse society, one needs to educate him/herself of their own religion. In my case, formal education shaped me to be obedient, but not to be adaptive and comprehended enough to explain things, or ready to face the diversity.
Growing up in a moderate family, I was the first person who followed islamic mentoring. It is a program in my senior high school and all praises to Allah I learnt a lot. However, we then grouped into a more serious program and paired with a mentor for each group. I remember this mentor told me to not wear pink scarf or patterned one - only white, cream, or mint green, or dark colour - and also that posting photograph is not allowed. She's a strict one, she's so against music while I play music and dance. I was still with her for several months at the beginning of my college life, and I remember when my weekly target was going down, she hurt me by saying, "How busy is busy? we just find excuses in life to not praying properly" whilst I lost more than 5 kg because I even couldn't remember to eat, got sleepless night, crying over architecture assignments which I found it so hopeless to even just pass. Some of my friends just decided to quit, or retook test to another major, or found in dorms with mental illness. All of those and she said "excuses" and "how busy is busy? sesibuk apaa sih?". I just can't digest that. My attempt to forgive her was to tell myself we just came from different family and we live a different life, so that's why. I didn't go to her anymore since.
However, the values she told me was still in me. It is very difficult back then to love myself because I was set to believe I am not a good Muslimah. I also lashed that to people around me, while I see myself just trying to be religious. I can never apologize enough to people I hurt back then, and even I cowardly not even try to talk about that until now... but I am so sorry though. I really am, hoping you read this now.
In college, there was a mentoring program too and I got a new group. However this time, the problem was on me. I was very loaded with architecture assignments and nearly had no life because every "free time" was used to continue doing design project. Some people might just be okay with a B- or B, but I aimed pretty high and I didn't find that wrong because I really wanted to do my best and get the best of knowledge and skill while still in college. I was rarely be able to manage attending mentoring and my mentor once texted me she had a dream of me and she missed me (orangnya pasti senyum senyum ni pas baca). Well, the problem was really on me. My mentor back then was so lovely and she IS lovely until now :P eventhough she is not part of my current mentoring group because she now lives in different province. Anyway, I graduated with cum laude and I was so proud of myself because survived architecture school, learnt a lot. Eventhough with lots of sacrifice, I really cherish the moments in college when I was pushed beyond what I think was my limit, which turned out I really able to make better than that. I am so grateful that I gave my 100% to study interior architecture because it really builds my mindset. It really helps me to not fear any failure in the world (because I failed a lot in college and I am still alive :D). That's why I am now super impulsive and really ride-or-die person.
After college, I was so invested in my creative business and to be honest it is the one that shapes me a lot to be the best of me, to be who I am today. It is a modest fashion brand HANA AISHA and growing this brand is my moment when I really engaged with the concept of hijab and the process of deciding to wear hijab as part of hijrah. To some people maybe it's sacred and it's such a turning point, while on the contrary, my hijab story back then in elementary school was not special at all. However, to run a fashion brand which sells scarf for them, it took me a while to understand what my customer really needs.
I once used the term "hijab syari" for my product and a customer said "don't claim it syar'i" since it has pretty and attractive flowers painted on. I then used thick fabric as material because I think this is what my customers want. Stupid me, those who wear thick fabric probably will not choose scarf with flowers hehe. I was right, once I changed the fabric to voile, it all just makes sense.
However my issue here is not merely about customer persona or funneling; it is about "how the right scarf is, really" because I don't want to sell the wrong things. I want to provide hijab for Muslimah. I want them to be a good ambassador of Islam, wearing my scarves, and that's how people see Islam is beautiful.
The next question is, is that true my product isn't syar'i? What is hijab syar'i, really?
At that time I was not involved in any islamic mentoring and I have no mentor to ask. I chose to read books and attend seminars (kajian), but we all know the delivery is one way, while all I need was discussion. My soul was so sick, I kept falling love with wrong people (LOL), kept failing in this and that, and got tons of question in my head. There was this moment when a person hurt me a lot and I wished to die but so against suicide. I remember kept praying after Isha, "if all I have is enough for heaven, please don't wake me up in the morning". I was at my lowest point and seeing no hope of life at all, but somehow everytime I was like that, I felt Allah the closest.
Allah guided me to get back to mentoring through a sister. Sisterfillah hehe (kayanya lagi senyum senyum juga sekarang). I joined this mentoring group, and was given a group consists of my junior. So I was mentored in my mentoring group and gave mentoring as a mentor in my junior group, eventhough I really felt so ineligible back then.
However Allah tested me again, and until now I never knew whether I passed the test or not. The test was, my mentor was way more strict in a way, and I ended up having argument with her. She gave a list of things to do, one of them was reciting 3 juz a day, and I bravely said that it was all too much and it made me hate myself if I couldn't manage to do it. The point of her arguments was that "if you don't see it as good deed or if it's not useful, yes you can leave it" while I was not saying it's not useful or not good, it's just too much. She also said "while you are not married yet and have less responsibility and more free time, you supposed to be able to do it" while I personally believe that everyone has their own battle and just because someone is not married yet doesn't mean she is supposed to be like this or like that.
After consulting with my mom, my sisterfillah, and my mentor in college, I decided to leave this group. I was in the process of finding a new group and a new mentor, but then a bad news came. I cannot continue to be a mentor for my junior group. The drama went on and in short, it was because my previous mentor didn't allow me to...
One of my mentee cried. The goodbye was hard.
Eventually I found a new group and a new mentor... and eventually two people from my previous group moved to my new group. Alright hehe.
I can say that I am so grateful for this group and maybe this means I passed the test? My mentor now was a basketball player and she also faces a lot of controversial issue like, "you cannot be a remaja masjid and a basketball player at the same time" but she still insisted to do both and that was such a brave move. She is now pursuing a Fitness Trainer Certification and a yoga enthusiast (dan juga pasti sekarang senyum senyum baca ini hehe). I learnt from her that in this world, there is this gray area, not white not black, just gray. Not many of us brave enough to play there, some claim that it's not good to be there, but those who are brave grows there as a bridge.
I believe sometimes to bridge a difference, we need person who understand the white and the black. Sometimes a woman with big black veil might scare a group of people, eventhough what she brings is kindness and goodness. What Quran states is to wear what is usual in the society. If I wear flowery scarf in a society where most of the women wear big black veil, then I am wearing the wrong scarf.
As my brand grows, I post a lot of photograph of myself; something that is considered sinful by my highschool mentor. I do so because I want people to see me, wearing dress and chest covered scarf, and they think "All this time I thought chest covered hijab is so old-fashioned but hey she is beautiful and I want to dress like her"
I also do ballet and feel so alive.
I don't have relationship with boys anymore. Having a number of ex-es (which I am not proud of it at all), it's a huge leap of my hijrah process to not texting with boys and be romantically involved. Last time I did it because I was curious, Allah was angry. Don't ask.
I choose taaruf eventhough currently nothing is working, yet, but I believe it's not about the result, it's about the effort. I just want to start marriage with something halal and choose a husband in a way that Allah loves. My children cannot choose their father, but I can. Nothing is working and at the time I am writing this I really wonder will there be someone fit me and I fit him and will I choose the right one?
but please after this dont slide to my DMs like
"tipe suami idamanmu seperti apa? ingin memaksakan diri"
If you are serious, please do it in honorable and elegant way possible hehe.
What I grateful the most right now is how good and kind my friends are especially in my circle. All my life I have been so judgemental and evil and arrogant and ugly and I just can't imagine to have friends like now.
What I miss the most right now is going to kajian because of this corona thing. I miss going there and meet my friends, hit the mall after and have lunch and discuss discuss discuss, and going shopping LOL.
It's now 11.11 pm and I think that's the end of my current hijrah story.
Maybe I will update this in the next 5 or 10 years, but this is going to be enough for right now.
I will turn on comments approval for this blog because I am so afraid there will be people shouting negatively. If you want to talk to me, you can WhatsApp, or DM, or email.
Thank you for reading my hijrah story.
