Another Try

I have issue with bad experiences.
They cause some sort of trauma, and whenever I give it another try, my mind will tune into "this is going to be bad like the last time, or even worse" or in short, you have to abort mission immediately, ayugina.

This post is not about me being able to fix it, because I have not.

As an optimist, it is quite a contradiction to have this side of my mind. Well to be honest, my mind is like a battlefield, and I don't want to pull anybody to it as I am not sharing my wounds. I have layers and no one has ever gone through them all because I don't let anyone to know the deepest. The deepest is basically about trauma and how it affects my choices, my attitude, and my act. The trauma(s) was caused by my bad experiences.

As an optimist, I always aim high, with high expectation, and maximum effort. I always want to win, expect to win. Every time things don't go as I expected, and that hurts me a lot, this experience straightly goes to the trauma layer but only if that hurts me a lot, to be noted. The criteria is a bit intangible tho.

There are wounds that if I tell my closest friends over and over and over, it gets better overtime. On the contrary, there are some wounds that would never be healed, and telling or narrating the experience will only make them worse. Again, the criteria is a bit intangible.

I also need to remind you again, this post is not about me being able to fix it.

This post is about me, not being able to fix it, but still give another try, and still do it anyway eventhough my mind telling me not to.

I read a book titled "Unf#ck Your Brain" by Faith G Harper PhD, and in short, my mind telling me not to, is actually a human's defense system to a threat. As if we have ever touched fire, and it burnt, so next time we won't. The problem is, our mind sometimes hijacks us by telling not to do things that actually worth fighting for. And it sucks. So we have to hijack our mind before it hijacks us.

It is called reframing the experience. Yes it happened and it hurts a lot and I am still bleeding. Instead of retelling and bleeding more blood (ouch), I do reframing, like what media does (oops). The essential part of reframing is I do it until I believe that it needs to happen in the past for good and it does make me a better person... and that I am scared to hell now to give it another try but then I decide to do it anyway.

I still don't know if this one would turn right or wrong, yet. I also don't know if eventually I will get to a point where I am just... not giving it another try because the trauma layer is full of wounds so there is no place for an other new. However, right here right now, I am giving it another try because I know it is worth fighting for and maybe because I can still bare another wound, if it turns out failing.